


Sometimes you do not get second chances

by ofreverentia



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, M/M, Nobody gonna be happy around here much, Not Beta Read, Secret Relationship, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22131013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofreverentia/pseuds/ofreverentia
Summary: Yuzuru liked to torture himself, should it be emotionally or physically.
Relationships: Javier Fernández & Yuzuru Hanyu, Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu, Yuzuru Hanyu/Other(s)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 49





	1. Part 1 - Yuzuru

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: a quick blub thanks to Javi skating to all these sad songs and me thinking it's time be gets a bit of taste of his own medicine. No happy ending in sight. Sorry about that or not lol. This is a mess but hey... So am I so we on theme. 😂

Yuzuru liked to torture himself, should it be emotionally or physically. He realised he was somewhat of a masochist. It started around the age of 18 when he realised that his feelings towards Javiers Salchow may not have been purely of technical skill nature or skating related at all. Form that moment onwards though he also knew he would never have a chance to be more than friends, rivals or training partners to Javier.

You know, Javier was straight or at least he would never admit if there was something else. Yuzuru saw the lingering glances a few more prominent bulges after he had completed a run-through of certain programs. Let's go crazy being one of the particular ones, especially if he did in his costume. He knew Javier was watching and enjoying. He basked in those moments and used them as leverage for his nightly escapades in the darkness of his bedroom.

But reaching almost seven years of this circle has been wearing down on him. It was a never ending circle of showing off, letting him touch even, with those fingers pressing into his side with more strength than with any other person. The hand on his nape, oh how he loved those touches.

After Javier retired he was bound to browse the Internet for any kind of material and there was a lot. Javier was very active even after he wasn't competing anymore. It was both a torture for him but also made him feel extremely proud of his achievements. It was conflicting on all accounts and he found it difficult to move on but he decided to. A year after Pyeongchang it was time.

Javier left for Minsk two weeks prior and they spent the last remaining days together, enjoying a few lunches in the lounge between sessions. It was good but it was just as friends. Javier had a loving girlfriend, waiting for him in Spain who he spoke of with a certain shine in his eyes, and the last thing Yuzuru wanted now was to be a home wrecker. How he wished he was one though, on some nights. He knew he could have, Javier was more clingy towards him than any prior years. There was chance but he didn't take it, he could never be a person to destroy a relationship that could last. For what? A single night of pleasure maybe? Or a kiss only because Javier could never admit to the world or let alone himself that he was anything but straight. Unusual for someone who set himself goals for life like Yuzuru did, to miss a chance like this. 

Javier remained to be something he could never have. And he gave up, with difficulty and it certainly involved a few dates in Toronto. He was on a step towards a steady relationship with someone, able to see himself being happy without thinking of Javier every other minute but then the new tour of Revolution on Ice started.

Yuzuru made the mistake of looking it up, fancams of each location and worse, he looked up the songs, lyrics and meanings.

He shouldn't have.

Now here he was looking at those sad lyrics, break up songs as they call it in tbe industry. Prometo has been already a song he had trouble listening to without crying. He knew it was meant for him too but ignored it. Javier was in a relationship already, he barely spent a few weeks without having someone by his side, always girls too. How could he even react on time or do something about his conflicting emotions.

Right now though he slammed the lid of his laptop shut with more force then necessary. Javier had no right to come up with these song choices. Now not, not so many of them. No matter who he was collaborating with it was always to a certain type of song. Yuzuru was angry.

He knew that Javier was struggling with his relationship, they spoke briefly after ACI when he did a surprise visit to the competition and stayed a bit at TCC. He confided in him with a certain hopeful look in his eyes and Yuzuru willingly ignored it. He had someone who was not shy to show the world he was enamoured by Yuzuru. He didn't want to be Javiers dirty little secret. Not like he himself could come out to the world or his fans in any shape or form without the backlash and outrage but at least the man holding him at night was willing, if it came down to that. Javier could never.

So here he is now raging over the signals the other is sending. The likes or Instagram, the replies to fans, speaking in the media or how he tried to stay more in contact with Yuzuru than any years before. They have exchanged more messages and calls in half a year than over the course of the seven they have known each other.

After Nationals he had received a call from Javier and while he would like to say it wasn't his words or soothing voice that helped him through the pain instead of his boyfriends in Canada, he couldn't do that. It always have been Javier and that is why his last performances in Madrid and now in Bolzano Gala enraged him.

It was too late. He couldn't do this anymore, the tiptoeing around each other. Hell with it, Javier even admitted to be in love with a Japanese in an interview while everyone in their close circle knew be was single. Yuzuru shook his head and groaned, taking his phone in hand.

He opened the chat he had with Javier, their last messages about wishing each other a good year and he decided it was time to tell him.

"It has been a few months, I haven't told you but I think I can now. It is going steady and he makes me happy so... I have a boyfriend. He is very nice, sweet and I hope the next time you come to Canada we could all have dinner together. I want you to know the person who is my rock now, how Javi had been over the years. Ps: I hope you are not flying Ryanair back home."

Yuzuru looked over the message again and hit sent. It was a random out of the blue message with no relation to their previous topic but it had to be done. Maybe now Javier will know how it feels to have your heart broken. It could only last for a bit with him, not like the years Yuzuru allowed it but it's over now.

He has to move on and he has someone to do it with. 


	2. Part 2 - Javier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Javier wasn’t someone who took time when it came to relationships, he actually was bad at keeping them stable and not have his heart start to like someone else._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well since I have been productive the past days regarding my ongoing work and had a sudden muse for this, here is Javiers part.

Javier wasn’t someone who took time when it came to relationships, he actually was bad at keeping them stable and not have his heart start to like someone else. He definitely had a lot of crushes, even at a young age he liked many girls but dating wasn’t something he had done a lot. Moving around the world he missed the easy companionship and somehow always had a girlfriend by his side to fill some kind of emptiness.

Then came Yuzuru Hanyu. 

At first he thought he just liked him as a brother, the young Japanese with barely there English skills coming to Canada to learn from his coaches. Two years into their training together he had learned the reason for Yuzurus pick wasn’t even Brian but his Salchow. He wanted to laugh at that, finding it ridiculous since at the end of the day he learned a lot from Brian and it was thanks to him he had stabilized the jump to near perfection. Yes, Javier was incredibly proud of his jump, his signature jump with the three turn entry. Having someone like Yuzuru admire it and finding it a good enough reasons to move across the ocean, left his heart beating a tad bit faster than usual. 

Years passed and he was dating now the third girl since he had lived in Canada, which wasn’t all too bad, the previous relationships having failed because of distance and difficulty to understand each others priorities in life. Javier wasn’t all too upset with those break-ups, then he met his Spanish girlfriend and he thought things would fit, they would be alright. He was wrong. It was her in the end who asked him if he believes they are going to last for a long time. Javier couldn’t answer to that. While he did think they would be together for a few more years, settling down, marrying or having kids wasn’t exactly on his radar for the next five years. In that moment he also remembered a certain Japanese boy who barely had the time to date, or the will because even their friendship has struggled over the years. Yuzuru had a tendency to push him away and it always hurt him, he wanted to be closer to him.

Closer...and not just as a friend.

In that moment he realized why his relationships never really worked out because he wanted to be someone else. Javier couldn’t help but laugh and maybe his girlfriend understood it even better than him. With a small painful smile she placed a hand on his shoulder. “We can try to salvage things but… I think you know this is not going to go anywhere. I am not _him_.” To his luck or misfortune it was shortly before his trip to TCC in preparation for a new season, just a few competitions, mostly for fun. He had met up with Yuzuru and couldn’t help himself to share those lunch times and even most his evenings with him. He had missed him and with now knowing that maybe he felt a bit more and was okay with these feelings, he had a chance. In retrospect he should have maybe dealt with the situation a bit better, Yuzuru not giving any reaction to his problems. If anything he was hopeful that Javier is going to go over this small slump and fix it. 

Javier tried, he really did but he still failed and shortly after their anniversary the two parted their ways as a couple. Since she was a good family friend and no hard feelings remained between then, they still spent time together. But now being newly single and having the time to come clean with the feelings he had been ignoring for such a long time; he finally admitted that yes, he was in love. In love with Yuzuru. 

With the new found freedom he didn’t feel too bad in liking posts on Instagram or reacting to some stories. He also messaged and talked with Yuzuru more often, at least the younger wasn’t shutting him down in that. In the past he would have but there has been a significant change in his behaviour over the past year and maybe that is why he had hope they could be closer. Friends and then maybe something more. 

Javier was also keeping track of his Nationals in between his activities for his last shows for Revolution on Ice. With careful calculation of time zones and when Yuzuru would have a free moment to answer a call, he had called him. Making sure he was feeling okay regarding his silver medal. Of course Yuzuru wasn’t but by the time they did end the call Javier could tell he was in a much better mood then more. He felt his heart swell at the thought of how he was still able to make the other feel better by talking to him. 

His mistakes, or slip of tongue that was on his issues from young age, was to tell a reporter that he was in love, and when he admitted it was with a Japanese person, he felt his head swirl with so many thoughts. He knew it would bite him back in the ass and the morning before his last show it kind of did. His fans and even those of Yuzuru started up with their theories and some of them were rather close to the truth than Javier would have liked. What made him feel more nervous than ever was to see if Yuzuru himself got to see the interview. The lady, a lovely one he knows for years now luckily (he wasn’t ready to come out to the public yet) mistook his words and wrote he was dating a woman. It was so far from the truth. He was single and in love, so madly and uncontrollably with a Japanese man. 

In the end Revolution on Ice passed without Yuzuru mentioning the topic, then New Years came and Javier wondered if maybe he should drop by TCC for a short visit. He wanted to catch up with Zhenya too as her own Nationals didn’t go so well due to her boot issues. His ideas got shattered shortly after their last message exchange. Javier just woke up, feeling a bit hungover from the party he had attended to find a new message on his phone from Yuzuru. He felt excitement rising in his chest only to have his heart shattering to pieces a few seconds later.

_"It has been a few months, I haven't told you but I think I can now. It is going steady and he makes me happy so... I have a boyfriend. He is very nice, sweet and I hope the next time you come to Canada we could all have dinner together. I want you to know the person who is my rock now, how Javi had been over the years. Ps: I hope you are not flying Ryanair back home."_

Javier stared at the message and felt his stomach complaining. He dropped the phone on the mattress then hurried to the bathroom throwing up all the remaining content (which given he had mostly drinks last night) wasn’t much. His mouth tasted bitter and the acid was burning his throat. He sat down on the cold tiles and leaned against his shower wall, staring up at the bright lap on the ceiling.

“Fuck… I am too late… I just… he is…” The tears started to burn his eyes and he had to close them, letting the first one roll down his cheeks. His chest hurt and he had to rub it. Javier had never felt this kind of pain in the past before and truly he realized how deeply in love he had been with Yuzuru. He didn’t compare to the girls he had dated and apparently loved before. Not to this extent and it must serve him right to be too late. Javier should have known that Yuzuru if he felt the same would wait so long for him to come around and be ready to have a relationship with a man. 

Javier fights his way back to his bed and picks up his phone, his eyes are stinging and he is sure the tears are running down his cheeks as he types his reply.

_“Oh? I am so happy for you Yuzu. It is great you found someone who makes you happy. I would love to do that, maybe in the next weeks I will drop by. I will let you know once I spoke with Brian. Was thinking of maybe doing some work with him to really get into coaching. But it’s great, it’s really great you are happy.”_

Javier tosses the device aside again and curls up in his bed, he has to find a way to ignore his broken heart by the time they do have that dinner together. He isn’t sure he wants to see the person who makes Yuzuru happy since it’s not him.


	3. Part 3 - The Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Javier doesn’t really remember ever getting on a plane towards Toronto with a heavy and broken heart._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So here we are with part 3. I guess I was a busy bee yesterday typing like a madman. Hope you enjoy but this is truly the end! Thank you for the support.

Javier doesn’t really remember ever getting on a plane towards Toronto with a heavy and broken heart. He made his arrangements a week ago and he got himself a seminar or two during his stay. Small kids ready to learn a thing or two about figure skating. Brian was more than eager to agree on it. He hinted on the other offer he had made a while ago, a more permanent position at TCC for him but right now he wasn’t sure he could do that. First he had to see how much it is going to hurt to be around Yuzuru, and that dinner they have finally picked a date for. Apparently his boyfriend was into the same sport (which does explain them getting closer as Yuzuru still doesn’t exactly go out and mingle with many people) and had trainings mostly in the evenings. It took them a few tries to find a date that would fit for all of them. It was also the boyfriend - who he still doesn’t know the name of - to pick the restaurant as he was familiar with the city and the newest or old but good places.

Javier ignored the little jab in his chest for not being the one in Yuzurus life anymore who could give him suggestions of places or restaurants he could go to - though never did in the past. With a sigh he sat down in his seat and turned towards the window, ready to tune out for the complete flight. One layover and who knows how many flight times later Javier found himself at the Toronto airport, waiting for his bags. He had let a few people know mostly Brian and Yuzuru when his flight would arrive and actually the younger offered to pick him up. At first he wanted to reject the idea because the last thing he wanted was to see the reason for his heartbreak after a long flight day and in the end barely any sleep. Javier had forgotten how stubborn Yuzuru could be so he had no other choice but to agree.

With a frown on his face and his bag rolling behind he stepped through the security gates. It took him exactly three seconds of scanning the crowd to spot a familiar black mop of hair, eyes crinkling over his facemask. Javier couldn’t help but smile even if his heart felt like breaking all over again. This was no lovers reunion at the airport, just a friend offering him to pick him up. Slowly he made his way towards him and they hugged, albeit briefly as Javier felt way too disgusted with himself to really enjoy a long hug with Yuzuru. The younger didn’t take it badly just laughed, teasing how Javier would definitely need a good long shower and maybe a nice bed, given the dark circles under his eyes. What Yuzuru did not know was that those have been there since the day he sent off his message to announce he had a boyfriend. Since then Javier had more trouble sleeping and occasionally had to tire himself out with long hours of crying to be able to get some rest. 

To Javiers shock it wasn’t Yumi waiting by the car but a tall guy and the moment he turned around he felt like his world was collapsing. Yuzuru skipped up to the guy and wrapped his arm around his, smiling brightly up at him. Javier felt like throwing up.

“Javi, meet Michael, my boyfriend. He was nice enough to come with me today as mom had a schedule change.” Javiers hand tightened around the handle of his suitcase, mostly to keep himself steady.

Michael Marinaro. Canadian Pair Skater. Yuzurus new boyfriend. 

Javier quickly schooled his expression and released his suitcase to shake hands with Michael. “Hey, thanks for doing this also it’s been a while.” 

Michael smiled brightly at him and Javier wished to punch him, that grin on his face pissed him off so badly it was a miracle he didn’t swing his arm. “It’s okay buddy. He told me he promised to pick you up. It is not much of a detour or something for me. I will drop you two off and gotta go though since I have a training scheduled soon.” Javier just nodded dumbly. Michael grabbed his suitcase and deposited it in the trunk. His next shock came when Yuzuru did not sit in the front but together with Javier in the back, ready to ask him all kinds of questions about his show and holidays. Like he did not know the details, Michael chipped in here and there and he learned how Yuzuru actually spent his holidays. 

He hated every second of that conversation, nails digging into his palms. The drive was a pure torture but finally they arrived at the Airbnb Address Javier would be staying at for the next two weeks. Two weeks of a nightmare starting. Michael helped him get his suitcase out of the trunk then turned to Yuzuru who was already smiling at him. Javier hat to bite his lip, tasting copper as he watched the two lean in and kiss briefly to say goodbye. He was ready to pick some kind of excuse to make Yuzuru go away, to hide in his bed for the rest of the day but they made plans and what Javier hated more than anything is to disappoint Yuzuru; especially since he took half an afternoon off for him.

Together they made their way towards the entrance of his place, his host already waiting for him and giving him a quick tour and rundown of what he needed to know about the place. All those minutes Yuzuru waited in the living room, smiling brightly when the host left and Javier stopped in front of him.

“Javi should freshen up and then maybe we go and stock up your fridge?”

“Are you sure you want to stay for these boring things?” Javier hoped Yuzuru would stay he was but the younger only nodded. It left him no choice but to take a quick shower, change into new clothes, grab his wallet and make his way with Yuzuru to the shop few blocks down. All those minutes Yuzuru was talking a mile and a minute, his English so much better and fluent, Javier hated to know the exact reason for it now. Biting back his feelings he did his shopping and in the end it was good that Yuzuru came with him because they had enough bags distributed between them, he wouldn’t have been able to carry even if he tried. 

Later the two of them chatted and cooked together, Javier not wanting to make the other leave without a proper meal, also making it a small thank you for his company and help. In the end the rest of Yuzurus stay was comfortable and he felt good. Yuzuru was bright and happy, smiling and laughing at his horrible jokes. When Yuzuru finally left they did share the long hug they didn’t before and Javier had a hard time letting go of the younger.

Javier crashed in his bed and cried himself to sleep, hoping that if he shows up at the club the following morning people will accept his excuse of just being tired. They did luckily though Brian gave him a short accessing look but left it at that. After a couple of days, Javier adjusted to his schedule and seeing Yuzuru around almost all day long, sharing some of his lunch breaks with him as well. It was nice and if he didn’t know or see him messaging with his boyfriend with a soft smile on his face, he still would hope. What he wasn’t prepared for was finally the date of their dinner. Yuzuru made sure to remind him where and what time they would meet before hurrying off from the club. Javier sighed when he was out of ear and eye-sight. 

  
With a lump in his throat and stomach, Javier returned to his place, took a shower and changed into an all black outfit he had worn for Revolution on Ice. It wasn’t all too casual but also not exactly flashy either. He knew he looked good and he somehow didn’t want to look bad in front of the boyfriend, maybe even look better because he knows how that lumberjack with horrible mustache can look like. He was so happy he at least didn’t follow him on Instagram and had to see his holiday looks all over his timeline. 

Javier arrived at the restaurant and went directly inside, informing the girl about the reservation and he was guided to the table. He was the first one out of the three and decided to already order himself a glass of wine while waiting. Yuzuru and Michael arrived together five minutes later and with short hugs as greeting settled down. 

Javier felt awkward and he wished nothing more than to bolt from this dinner, or punch Michael in the face because his smile still pissed him off. 

As the evening and their meal progressed Javier felt worse and worse, even the apparently delicious food tasting like sand for him. Yuzuru kept smiling at Michael and each time he made a terrible dad joke he laughed harder. What made him even worse was that this could have been him but he took too long to take his chance or see if he even had one. Now Yuzuru was happy with someone else and even if he didn’t really like the guy, happiness and love looked good in Yuzurus eyes. 

Javier allowed himself to breathe again after they bid their goodbyes and went different ways. He couldn’t help to torture himself with looking around and watching the two go with Yuzuru clinging to Michaels arm. He closed his eyes to collect himself then waved down a taxi to get back home. There was no use of thinking about this anymore, his chance was gone if he even had one. 

\---- xxxx ----

Yuzuru couldn’t help but feel like an asshole for doing all this to Javier. The fact that it was Michael who picked him up at the airport but it was actually an unexpected change of plans and the other offered, wanted to be a good friend to someone Yuzuru cherished. Only if he knew all the unsaid things that have happened between them but no, Michael was sweet and very kind. He saw the shock and the polite but media proof smile Javier put on his face after they have been introduced and the same expression was on his face throughout their dinner. Yuzuru wondered if maybe he should cancel it because the moment Michael was not around the had the old Javier back, smiling and joking. 

Old Javier. He had to laugh at that a little bitter. There was no old Javier, there was no old Yuzuru anymore, if there would be it would mean he would break up with the guy who had done nothing but kiss the ground below his feet and get together with someone who couldn’t keep a steady relationship for longer than two years. Yuzuru couldn’t give something up that was easy, making him happy and actually feeling himself fall in love for a chance that may not last too long. 

The dinner was nice, they have had nice conversations, telling funny anecdotes of each other but he also saw the way Javiers fingers tightened around his fork each time Yuzuru laughed at a stupid joke made my Michael, or how he ordered his third glass of wine before they even finished the main course. He felt bad but at the same time it filled him with some kind of satisfaction to see Javier going through the same pain he had for years. Intentionally caused or not (most likely not because Javier had not a single evil cell in his body) but it left him suffering for long.

At the end of the evening they bid their goodbyes and he hugged Javier tight, feeling his hand lingering on the back of his neck, the same warm feeling going through his veins as in the past. It took all his energy to pull away and link his arms with Michael. Then they were walking away and he listened to his boyfriend going off about their upcoming plans, making him smile. Before they round the corner though he glanced back watching Javier call a taxi over. The lump in his throat appeared again but he quickly pushed it down.

Javier missed his chance, Yuzuru missed his chance a long time ago. There was no turning back anymore. All the open questions, worries and insecurities in case Javier would get tired of him in two years time were not worth it to release the person standing by his side. Michael had been all but supporting of his career, his need for distance sometimes and he worshiped every action he made. Maybe he is not the person who he had loved for years, his first love but he was someone who could mend all the pain caused by that person, slowly and steadily.


End file.
